Friday, December 24, 2010

The 2010 John Edwards Award for Biggest Douche goes to...

It's the end of December, and that means it's time to discuss the results of this year's John Edwards Award for Biggest Douche.

Congratulations are in order for all participants of this year's close race, but Levi Johnston, making a valiant effort to clinch the title in the waning months of 2010, has pushed himself on to victory.

Levi Johnston first made a name for himself in the race by abandoning the girl he knocked up, Bristol Palin, after she gave birth to their child- with absolutely no regard for public opinion. This was definitely a power-play, but some questioned whether he was just another one-trick pony. Airing Palin family secrets in public along with rumors that he was shopping around a tell-all book with his time with Bristol helped his candidacy a little, but many still questioned his resolve. Could he stand up to contestants with real douche-stamina like John Mayer, or would he cave under withering public disgust?

To quiet the naysayers, Johnston decided to use his fame-by-association and pose for Playgirl magazine. This finally shook up the established front-runners. When Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from the show "Jersey Shore" was asked for his reaction, he said something retarded, of course, but he was also visibly shaken.

While some undoubtedly would have coasted on these extraordinary achievements until crunch time, Johnston has shown himself to be made of tougher stuff. In July of this year, he went out of his way to rescind a public apology for airing Palin secrets, saying the apology was a lie, and the only thing he has done that he is ashamed of.

At this point, most speculators considered him a shoe-in until an old favorite announced his candidacy. Just a month later, Mel Gibson responded by unleashing a verbal assault unheard of in in public record. Judges ruled that according to the new laws drafted in 2009, although Gibson had entered previous competitions, his past achievements could be counted again this year since he did not actually win the title.

If you thought a heavyweight like Gibson would scare Johnston, you would be wrong. Just one month later, the 20 year old Johnston decided to run for mayor in Wasilla, Alaska, the state wherein he is the single most unpopular person, as part of a reality show. (His 6 percent approval rating stands 9 points lower than John Edwards' 15.) This brought him neck-and-neck with Gibson. By November though, with months of inactivity, polling showed him to be trailing the more popular Gibson by 11 points. It seemed like Johnston was beat.

Then came December. In an astonishing turn of events, results of extensive polling secretly conducted by Johnston's staff were produced to show that Gibson actually qualified for the title of "Craziest Person Outside of a Mental Institute". According to an obscure rule in the Douchebag Handbook dating back to 1896, no person may hold two awards in the same year. As all the other contestants had already lost in the semi-finals to Gibson and Johnston, the judges were forced to acquiesce to this douchey maneuver by Johnston and hand him the award.

As Johnston was too cool to attend the awards ceremony, his manager Tank Jones (real name) accepted the award for him saying, "People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston." Douchey words indeed, from another big fat douchebag.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please share your thoughts with the class.
Attention dearly departed anonymous commenters:
You can still comment anonymously by selecting it from the dropdown list. You then fill in the nonsense word.
I hope you can forgive me the extra 3 seconds it takes so that I can limit spam comments.